just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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