he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
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And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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