So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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