come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize