How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
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She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
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