I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
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Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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