Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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