You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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