Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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