honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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