Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize