my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
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It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
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That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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