The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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