Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
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Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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