I'm so fucking centered right now
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So many bounce houses so little time
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
