everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize