I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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