I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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