i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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