I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
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I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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