he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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