I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I am available for nakedness
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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