so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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