Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize