Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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