I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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