Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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