just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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