im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my shit smells like andre
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize