Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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