Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
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He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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