...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why is your signature on my underwear?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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