I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
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uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
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We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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