i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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