Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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