DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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