he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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