the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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