I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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