The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
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I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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