I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize