you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
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we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize