so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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