i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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