I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
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Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
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I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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