you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
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Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize