im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
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