her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk is not a location!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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