its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
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Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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