He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
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I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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